Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Last week, my accounting group met early in the morning and had a guest speaker in the afternoon, so we went out to lunch together. I don't remember how the topic came up, by the other girl in my group joked about being baby hungry and said "I'm way more excited to be a mom than to be an auditor."

I can't really say that I feel that way. That's not to say that I never want to be a mom. In fact, sometimes I see young moms at church with their cute little babies and I think about carrying a baby inside of me and loving him/her so much and it melts my heart a little bit. But then I think about how much babies cry and how they become toddlers and teenagers and how I'm responsible for raising my babies to be productive members of society and followers of Christ and making sure they don't get pregnant/get someone else pregnant and making sure they don't become ax murderers and I'm like.... mmm yeah.... maybe not.

The idea of being a parent terrifies me. How am I supposed to know how to teach my kids about the gospel? How am I supposed to know what to do to help that little baby stop crying and to get her on a feeding schedule and how to get her to sleep through the night? What if I'm a bad mom? What if I do all the things I swore I'd never do. I know all of these moms that I admire, who are calm and loving and patient. I'm none of those things on a regular basis. I want to be a better person before I become a mom. But will I ever be that person?

I'm not ready to be a mom. Besides, Greg and I have been married for 3 months and I have two more years of school, so I don't feel guilty about taking my time on that front.

But part of me wonders when that desire will kick in. I wonder if it will catch me off guard when I least expect it, overthrowing all of my plans. I wonder if it will ever kick in, or if a few years down the road I'll still be too scared.

But, the moral of the story is, when I pee on a stick and two pink lines show up, I want that to be a happy day. Not an "Oh no... I'm not ready for this" day.


  1. It will probably be a little of both. It nice that the Lord gives them to us when they are not babies and not fully grown teenagers.
    that way you have some time to get used to each other.

  2. I guess the question becomes...what are you doing to get to that point? it seems that should be what we are all working for whether we are prepping for kids or not...right?