Wednesday, October 26, 2011

My last post was about my internship interviews. Everyone was so impressed that I got interviews with these big national companies. I was pretty impressed myself, especially cuz Denver is a pretty small, competitive market. I've been planning on doing an internship in Denver this summer for about a year now. I've mentioned it to it to people like it was a fact. Because, in my mind, it was. Everyone gets an internship. They practically throw themselves at you. So I wasn't really worried about it. I applied for three of the five firms, so that I wouldn't be overwhelmed. One that I applied for decided not to do a summer internship program, so it was down to two.

When I was out in Denver, I thought to myself "I just don't know how I'll choose between these to firms! I really like both of them."

Well, lucky me! No need to choose. Not only did I get rejected from Deloitte, I also got rejected from Ernst and Young. Well, it's still kind of on the line with them. They sent out their first round of offers, and depending on how many people turn the offers down, I could have a chance. But I'm not counting on it.

I feel like such a loser. Everyone else is getting multiple internship offers. I couldn't even get one. I did my best. I was friendly and myself. I've worked my butt off in school. For what? My plans are totally screwed up.

I can still apply for these firms for a full time position next year. But what am I supposed to do this summer? I had this all planned out. I already put so much effort into this plan, and it's so frustrating to have to start over.

I feel so mediocre. Like I never excel at anything. In ballet, I was there everyday and still got shafted and got crappy parts. Summer fairy in Cinderella? Have you ever seen a more boring part? Especially comparing myself to the girls who danced that part the last time we did Cinderella... yeah apparently I really sucked. I was sugarplum but that's like the easiest lead part ever, you hardly do anything. There are other lead parts that like carry the whole show, like Cinderella or Aurora or even Ariel in Little Mermaid or Wendy in Peter Pan. Nothing.

When I applied to be an RA, I didn't even get the job at first. I only got it because someone else bailed and I had gone to the office to talk to them about it so they knew I wanted it.

I suck at making friends. I'm not crafty or a good decorator or a good cook. I'm not immensely spiritual. I'm not saving the world by going to Africa and helping people. I'm not athletic. I'm just mediocre.

The only thing I'm good at is school. Maybe I should just be a student for the rest of my life.


  1. I used to think like this, wanting to be not only great but "the best" at everything. It took me a while a realize that there's only one "the best" and millions of "great but not the best," and if I beat myself up for not being the one, I will miss out on the joy that comes from being great.

    You ARE a great cook (most people would not attempt something as complicated as tikka masala), but you're not a chef. You don't need to go to Africa to serve people. You must be a pretty great dancer to have gotten the Sugar Plum Fairy, and even if you're not the best? Who cares? Did/do you love to dance? Did people love to see you dance?

    The people around you love you (Greg, his family, my kids, your friends, from what I see on Facebook).

    Just because you can't get an internship with one of the two most recognizable, prestigious firms in the country doesn't mean you aren't great. Aim for the next best thing. Try again. Don't get depressed until you can't get an internship with the dinkiest, tiniest firm in Provo. And I'm pretty sure that won't happen.

    Still, not getting something you really, really want is hard. We've been through it twice this year. I'm still kind of smarting from the last one.

  2. I was in the same case. They don't tell you what to do when you are coming out of the top accounting program and don't get an internship - especially if you are not staying local. I also felt the same way - they would say you need to be more memorable. I am who I am - do you want me to lie to you? It is rough. Best of luck figuring out your plans.


    It takes way more than being a good student to get through that accounting program. You are the SMARTEST girl I am privileged to say is my friend.

    And how many people on this earth can say they were the freaking SUGAR PLUM FAIRY???

    And you make people almost wet themselves laughing.

    You are not mediocre.

  4. You are by no means mediocre. You are a very strong beautiful woman. I am so proud of you for all that you have accomplished. In all things in life we do not always get what we want but things always work out. I hate that things did not work out for you with these interships but keep in mind this was just not to be, at least for right now. Instead of looking at the negative look at all the things you do have. First and foremost right now that you have a wonderful caring husband whom I am sure is right there by your side letting you know that things will be okay. I do know that it may be hard to see right now but things will work out just as they should. I love you and hate that you are hurting. Just keep in mind that it is their loss not yours.
    Love Mom